Finding out | I’m not equipped

September 26, 2023
 ·   · 
2 min read
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Hello. It's me.
There were many drafts before this one. lots. deleted and binned. Because my revolving door.

A mental one.

Each draft stating how I will start, finish "X" thing.
Mental health; the erosion - finding myself suddenly drowning, but - suddenly, finding my feet again … only to be drained of all motivation & joy - suddenly. Overwritten with an anti-programs.

I'm good for now. Reflecting and disconnecting from everything. A hard reboot. From family, friends, clients and even hobbies. Hobbies that I thought would help. Outlets that no longer could; for a period of time.

I think the trigger was the labyrinth maze of social media - all of them; terminally online, trying to navigate paths & exits - I got tried. Enough energy was spent building sandcastles during high tides. I'll find my own rhythm again, back to the party, but for now. I'm picking up the pieces that I've left, lost & found.

Small wins. Keeping this short. I tend to announce things, but probably won't do this any more. False - compounding of broken promises. To others and myself. Will I again? When it feels right. For now this will be small letters in invisible bottles for things I'm in control of. On a server I own, as long as the money is there to sustain it.

The intent was to strike while I still had some kindling of motivation. I don't know when it will die again. I do know it has been happening more frequently. A plus side of these swings is I stop caring. A small window of freedom on what I want to do without the mental web that overloads into a entanglement of action paralysis.

I think I'll write more. I will, when I can. If only for me and my mental health. Part of it is public accountability. I have tons of these untitled text files like this on my computer/phone. I think having another outlet can't hurt.

It wasn't as short as I intended, but nothing ever is.

Tagged: journal

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